Letter Between Two Woman Cont.
It has taken a while to get back to you though your words resonated and brought me such comfort. I am so grateful for your honesty and your ability to reach across the miles and speak so eloquently to what remains after the death of such a precious loved one. I am often floating in a state of utter confusion. I wake from a nap or the middle of the night and I look for Daniel and realize he is never coming back. He really died! The mind does play tricks with me. I have taken such a body blow. The worst fear of my life, losing my husband, has happened and I am still here. Sorting through such myriad emotions I am either wading through waist deep wet sand or free falling from the atmosphere.I know you are farther along on the grief continuum. I also know now that what has happened will never will leave my consciousness until I draw my last breath. When you asked if I would want to forget his death, I knew my answer would be ” Never!” It was a sacred moment. Such a cruel and horrifying disease. He melted away. As his body imploded his spirit grew. I believe he became a wise and holy man in his suffering. He
taught me much about grace and dignity, acceptance and gratitude.Now the new normal takes over and the day to day occupies but I never really feel whole. I am busy redoing the house, trying to lighten, brighten, and renew what has felt so static. I am amused by my little tasks in light of all l that has happened. Sometimes I long for time to pass more quickly so I could back and say I did the hard work of grieving and now I can create something that resonates for me. I would be lying if I said this has not affected my relationships with the girls. One wants me to show no emotion and is easily annoyed with me. I am the one here, her beloved father is gone. I realized I would have to take the hits, I am the “grown up” but oh I am tired of it. My other daughter, who lives in NYC, closes down and is often “unavailable”. So much for my dream of us all coming together in this new family unit. I will be patient but this can sometimes break ones spirit. I am always surprised by my naive view of what will be. The family will become stronger without the main man because we were all in this together. I think it must be broken first and then we will come back stronger in the broken places.I am taking the girls to Mexico for Christmas with my darling brother. Then I decided to get away and will spend 2 weeks in Paris in January. Sometimes running is the only course for a time. You may post anything you wish, I really have no problem with sharing this difficult and beautiful time. Your sister in spirit, susan