A Power Within

Love is a perfect note; love is a certain smile, or a gentle touch.

It is the dripping juiciness of ripe mangos on a parched tongue

or the smoothness of rippling silk as it touches your skin,

or perhaps the sweetest strawberry dipped in liquid chocolate?

Love could be the aroma of double espresso just before it reaches your lips,

or is it the woody smell of a newly lit fire?

All is love.

Love is also the stormy greys of long worried nights,

love is restless broken sleep that drains energy from your soul,

love is eyes heavy from sadness.

But love is also the ashen face that looks at you when days are bad and you are brave.

Love is you, starting the fight once more as realisation arrives in your eyes.

Love is also the beautiful eyes of family members whose tender glances record their own story.

Love is the strong arms that support and guide your way.

Love is the dearest child who stokes your hair with such beautiful little hands.

Love is our private moments that make difficult days better,

love is that look across the room that says it all.

Love is all these things…

And all these things are love,

and you.

Photo courtesy: Janey Johnson Photos

All Rights Reserved.

For those who understand  Multiple Myeloma  and are following  Hamada’s clinical details the M-Spike(PP) is now a whopping 18.1 !! the higher this reading goes the more damage will be done to Hamada’s bones and vital organs which is the nature of this disease.

Hamada is to have another bone marrow aspiration (5th one in all) and a  further X-Ray on his back and pelvis next Monday  then on the 15th February the consultant will discuss at a  meeting with other Haematology Doctors and Prof Russell from the  Clinical Haematology Centre at Nottingham, with the view to Hamada starting Velcade which is a newer  chemotherapy drug and one Hamada has not tried before and is allowed here on the NHS for first relapse. This is not an easy decision to arrive at and must be weighed carefully against Hamada’s poor blood counts and his quality of  life now but as MM rears it’s ugly head once more,  the feeling is we must wage war with further Chemotherapy.

Having been ask again by some of my readers “How do you manage to keep cheerful” I have again posted  a small piece I wrote about my feelings  on the 11th September 2008. Nothing has changed much during this time, yes  of course  I have very sad times and it is not always easy to find  strength when tired to help with mobility needed to care, but you do, and my feelings during this time remain the same.

11 September, 2008

On The Edge Of  The Cliff – A Carers Perspective

Rather a lot of people have asked me " how do you keep cheerful " and " what keeps you strong when faced with such a change to your life"
So what is it that gives some the strength to keep fighting and staying strong in the face of adversity?

What enables some Carers to give their best and their continuous support day after day, when for most of us, burying our head in the sand or turning to run, would feel so much better. Well yes, difficult questions to answer. I know how different it is for all Carers, of the problems that affect us all and that no two people are the same or will have the same approach when confronted with devastating changes, not only to their love one but very often to their own lives.

For me after the initial shock and my goodness what a dreadful shock it was, I spent many nights thinking of  how I would find the strength to deal and do my best with the awful changes that would befall us. Having only just retired and with both of us looking forward to a more relaxing time I had hoped for some new adventures, lots of dancing perhaps and certainly a lot more travelling.  Time for swimming, holiday time and plenty of walking together. Would all these have to change?  When Hamada in May 2006 was rushed to Lincoln Hospital and then on to Leicester Hospital with sudden onset kidney failure, found after a routine blood test, I was in severe shock as anyone might be.  After his first night in Leicester I returned home alone and immediately went to my PC to look for the causes of sudden kidney failure. I remember writing on a scrap of paper the three things that matched closely Hamada’s condition, the second on my list being Multiple Myeloma. It was something at the time I knew very little about, I did know, it was not as yet, a curable cancer. So when the next day, the Doctor with a rather grim face, came to tell us the results of the barrage of tests taken and the devastating news, I passed to him the small list that had been tucked in the palm of my hand asking " is it one of these " and in my mind thinking, don’t let it be the second one, but it was! I think from that very moment on I decided that for me, the only way to confront this crisis was face on, asking and learning as much as I could every step of the way, I was standing on the edge of a cliff with a strong wind blowing. I could dive and swim away, shut my mind or bury my head. I did not want this thing to be happening to us but it was. So I decided to turn to face that strong wind with as much force and as much knowledge about this illness, that I could managed to glean and from every source I could possibly find. Knowledge will give me power. If I could understand as much about this disease, as my small brain will allow, it would enable us to discuss and make good choices each time we needed to fight. Is it the right time for chemotherapy? should a stem cell transplant be an option? All these questions are asked daily by people with this very serious illness. I wondered, are these drugs the safest Hamada can receive? will they obtain the results required? I needed to learn fast, I needed to learn about the drugs that would damage further or take away the last remaining percentage of kidneys working. Oh yes! it happened, the young Doctor who prescribed by mistake, drugs for Hamada, that would have wiped out any remaining kidney function, had he taken them. After all the months of chemotherapy, all the money that had been spent getting him to and through a Stem Cell Transplant, had I not read, had I not intervened! With my newly learnt knowledge I was able to check what had been prescribed, query and shout loudly before any damage was done. For me gaining as much knowledge as I can, seems the only way to protect someone who is unwell and cannot do it for themselves. Many I know will think too much knowledge is a dangerous thing when dealing with medical matters, perhaps some are saying I bet she interferes too much. I do not believe this to be true and I really don’t care, for without this knowledge how can we make good judgements when given the very serious choices we are expected to make.
I keep cheerful because I am very lucky to have an amazing family and good friends who support me in so many different ways. Our children who bring light and joy every time they visit and the fun we all have together and their constant support in cheering Hamada on. My dear friends who never fail to phone, often picking just the time when I need cheering up a bit, when the day has been tough or I am tired because I have spent too long in Hospital waiting rooms, dreaming of all the other places I long to be. My dear Internet friends with their great messages and the American Cancer Network ACOR, a myeloma list-serve whose knowledge is just incredible and so often points sufferers of myeloma in the right direction.
How my heart goes out to those who struggle alone or may have families who do not understand, or even worse ,do not care about the strains of day to day living or caring for those with Multiple Myeloma. How badly it affects me when I see elderly folk appearing both to be unwell, struggling to manage their hospital appointments and to understand their ‘chemo’ regimes or their routine medications, they need our help. Then again I know quite clearly that I need to find strength when waiting on ‘the edge of my cliff ‘ knowing my love one is in partial remission and wondering how long it will last this time, perhaps looking for changes and signs that might mean this precious time is over. Hoping that I will once again find ‘ the power within ‘ to go forward with knowledge gained, to continue to confront and fight, to obtain the best possible care for my love one, for as long as I too, remain well.
So to all of you that have asked these questions, I choose to turn always from the edge of the cliff and walk into the wind, I will put a smile on my face daily, even when it hurts, with the knowledge I continue to learn, I will stand close to Hamada and help him to make good choices and I will face this ‘beast’ straight on.

All Rights Reserved @ 2008

The Power Within can be purchased from:

http://www.susiehemingway.com/books/

To purchase including packing and postage worldwide:

http://www.susiehemingway.com/books/

Photo:  courtesy of Janey Johnson Photos.

Crisp sparkling crunchy views across this linen land

trees bow beneath the  snow laden branches

hungry birds swing and pull at fat-filled gifts that hang from frozen lines, quiet is this life, quiet is this world.

Such beauty in the stranger shapes of intrinsic white on grey as silence falls and covers sadness like a soft downy wrap, comforting like the arms of angels protecting those we love.

This winter harsh and cruel will not change much for us

it is a time to be together, a time for closeness and of warmth, a time to renew strength to start with vigour our battle.

As crystals melt their prisms, the brushstrokes change

the white that enhances the beauty of this land.

All Rights Reserved @ 2010

A Power Within Available via here

http://www.susiehemingway.com/books/ 

Fifty Poems of Love by Susie Hemingway.

Wishing all that visit my blog "A Very Happy And Peaceful New Year" It is tough for me to say goodbye to 2009, as it has been more comfortable than the past two years for Hamada with no chemotherapy during this year and I hate to wish the days away, but we must look  forward with strength and hope to a new year  Thank you all for your most generous and comforting comments and good wishes throughout the year. We had a wonderful Christmas with our family staying with son Jo and Laura in the Chilterns and visiting friends and family. Hamada was most content and enjoyed very much this festive time. Now safely home again we shall look forward to 2010 wishing all those facing their own personal battles, hope, courage and a peaceful time.

Christmas time for you and me

tis’ very different I’m sure you’ll see

the favourites that please you and me

complete this yuletide picture…

Christmas bright with candlelight

good friends to share with you,

log fires that crackle, and ban the cold

toes warm as toast on rugs of old,

scented smell of cinnamon and

warm mulled wine to sip,

when carols sung of partridges, turtle doves,

winter crystals fall as snowflakes

from heaven above, to settle

on gleeful warm faces, catching

their lashes as they quicken their paces

to peep in pretty windows dressed ready to share,

a few of these favourite things.

Jenny’s warm crisp mince pies

adds a sparkle to your eyes,

quince jelly and all those yummy things

brandy butter and children’s grins,

at snap of pretty crackers, mottos

laughing faces and silly chatter,

sweet smell of oranges, chestnuts too

Oh! to share them all with you.

Coloured garish paper hats, that special robin

that came and sat

near mistletoe for that special kiss,

we hang in bunches not to miss

the wonder of the child’s eyes

as underneath the tree is spied

coloured papered box entice,

if you’ve been good, if you’ve been nice?

Family, friends, laughter, fun..

“Merry Christmas” special ones.

Christmas time no different you see

Just as long as you’re here with me.

All Rights Reserved @ December 2009

“A Power Within – Poems Of Love” Anthology of fifty poems selling world-wide and available to purchase here.

http://www.susiehemingway.com/books/

Proceeds to Multiple Myeloma.

Fifty poems of Love now available to purchase: Link Here

http://www.susiehemingway.com/books  All prices include P&P

Link here http://www.susiehemingway.com/books/  to purchase this  richly  designed poetry anthology filled with Poems of Love in diary form. More than one hundred  pages telling ‘our story’

              Later this month my poems are to be published in a book called  “A Power Within” It is  pleasing  to see more than fifty of these poems of love, all together in this  beautiful book with it’s rich coloured cover-not I might add, the beautiful photo I leave here for your delight today-and 105 pages, which would look beautiful adorning any coffee table. I am thrilled with the result of the proof and with the superb layout done by Matt Rutherford of  www.mattrutherford.com  thank you Matt. More news on the release date will be here later this month.

~Sunset Photo courtesy of Colin Brown – All Rights Reserved~

Silver shimmering crest of light

that shines and glistens on special nights

but only seen by those who love,

for those who notice this moon above

fluorescing glow of softest light

that shines on waves in rolling flight,

this secret candescent light that holds

a special place in lover’s souls,

when the flotsam of life is tearing at you

lift your head and see this view.

When life’s foreboding ways do seek

to sometime knock you off your feet

take your dreams and shake them loose

never stumble for you will see

this shining luminosity of moonlight free,

for on these magic nights of love

that glow for lovers from above

especially for those entwined souls

for secrets between them never told

tilt your head to gaze above

to see this gemlike moon of love…

This poem is dedicated to Sally and Maurice. October 2009

Copyright @ Susie Hemingway 2009

Photo courtesy of Sally Leeves

As friendships and knowledge builds with other Myeloma sufferers, it is easy to understand that this Cancer unfolds so differently for each patient. With a huge variation in symptoms, it appears such a diverse disease that seems to stumble on the weakest organs making it’s own unique way of attack. For some MM sufferers the damage unfolds with lower back trouble or in long limb fractures or breaks. I know that  a neck fracture was the first sign for a friend that something terrible was wrong and then much  later  a diagnosis of MM was made. How differently this disease shows it’s signs in each patient.

For Hamada it was kidney failure that came out of the blue with no signal at all that anything was amiss, just an unusual feeling of tiredness. For sure it is so important to get an early diagnosis before the myeloma does serious damage to vital organs but how many of us get regular blood CBC’s? very few I would imagine in the UK. Unless like Hamada who did contract work at times and needed good health checks for insurance travelling abroad etc. In many cases this disease could and does go unnoticed for many months,  so the damage is already done. Although Hamada succumbed to MM he was in one way, very lucky to have had an early diagnosis as we believe that having had a blood test only six months before the very one that picked-up his kidney failure,  certainly played a great part in getting him to this now, three years six months point. Early diagnosis I believe, is paramount and vital, we all know that the damage done by Myeloma cannot be reversed but it can be brought under control. Still with good care it is important to stress, many patients are now living long and productive lives.

Hamada was immediately prescribed a vast array of maintenance drugs from day one. Including some to protect as much as possible, his bones and the lining of his stomach and gut etc. It is so important to keep regularly to the times of taking these drugs and injections, not missing out or delaying in the filling of prescription etc. Good continuous management of drug awareness, taking as much care with infections, avoiding places and people with colds or worse still  flu.

Diet is vital to the success of a longer life. Good tasty meals that contain a good variety, covering all vitamins and minerals and for some little and often is the rule. In the case of Kidney damage, eliminating salt and potassium and increasing liquid intake to a reasonable two litre per day amount, has helped Hamada greatly. I know that there are many MM sufferers who still enjoy a glass of wine, and why not? But if the kidneys are affected not really a wise move, the rule always being, water is best. Hamada now has 15% kidney function when at diagnosis he had only 6%. A great improvement that has kept him from dialysis.

The very difficult part is that Hamada’s Para Protein-an important marker and indicator in the activity of the cancer- is rising once again, and the decision will have to be made shortly, with regards to the next chemotherapy regime for him, possibly Velcade. Whether he is really strong enough to try again with more chemotherapy and if this is the right drug of choice at a time, when he is enjoying a quiet but steady pace of life, is a most difficult decision to arrive at. The damage from this drug would certainly be detrimental to parts of his poor quality blood, which although not getting much worse, is not improving either but could bring down the para-protein  and such, help to eliminate further damage to his bones and organs.

We think the New Year 2010 will bring the answers to these decisions, Hamada has achieved so much and done so well we feel, for someone given a prognosis of only six months at outset . He continues bravely and without complaint about anything, a great lesson to us all I feel. So steadfastly we make the most of each and every day with love and the best possible care we can manage. We sincerely wish all our friends in the world of Myeloma (sadly there are many) peace and hope, a decent quality of life and the very best care possible from your providers but most of all, love and kindness from your carers .